


Crack the Shutters

by maniclust



Series: Some Kind of Madness [2]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Angst, Bartenders, Day drinking, Escapism, F/M, First Meetings, M/M, Masochism, POV First Person, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, Sibling Rivalry, Songfic, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-15 06:18:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15406884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniclust/pseuds/maniclust
Summary: Zac Hanson has lead a life full of mistakes that he knew he was making and they continue to haunt him, even into adulthood. Could anything repair the damage that has been done?*This story is from Zac's POVCharacter Photos and Soundtrack





	1. Eyes Wide Open

**Author's Note:**

> ~I use songs as inspiration for chapters but the songs may not fit into the timeline that the story is set in. They are meant to set the mood only.

[”Everything we had, everything we did is buried in dust.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oyVJsg0XIIk) \- Eyes Wide Open, Gotye

The hollow sound of my shoes echoed in my ears as I walked down the nearly deserted sidewalk. I knew that once I rounded the corner, the area was going to be anything but deserted and I paused at the corner, breathing in and out for a few minutes in an effort not to hyperventilate. This moment hadn’t gotten any easier for me as the years had gone by. The closer a show got, the harder it was to breathe.

The bricks were cool against my forehead, and I nearly jumped out of my skin when voices were suddenly behind me. A group of scantily clad women that didn’t notice me at all as they were immersed in their plans to figure out how to get on Taylor’s side of the stage. He always had drawn the crowd toward him at shows. Isaac and I had our moments, but Taylor was the one they all loved.

Rounding the corner, finally, I stayed in the darkness as I made my way closer to the venue and watched the crowd begin to filter inside. Excitement for the show was palpable in the air and it didn't surprise me at all.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out, glancing at the time and then the message.

_Where are you? You’re late._

_I will be there soon._

I closed my eyes, leaning against the window of a closed clothing shop, and I could picture perfectly what he was inside doing. Downtime on the couch in the bus to clear his head. Squats in his jeans to make them fit just right. Tight in all of the pertinent places, but not so restrictive that he couldn't move. A few strokes of his cock through the fabric so that it was in a semi-aroused state to keep the eyes on him. Vocal warm-ups. Last minute set list review. Like clockwork.

Taylor was a creature of habit that you could set your watch by, as long as you weren’t on any sort of real schedule. He may not start at the same time every night, but he still went through the same rituals. It had been comforting to me when we were children and thinking about it now was still comforting.

Comfort and torture all at the same time.

Rebecca walked by me and I held my breath, ducking into the alley and hoping that she didn’t see me. I didn’t want her to see me. I didn’t want her to question me. My eyes fell on the Starbucks that she held in her hand and I shook my head. Yep, a creature of habit.

Part of me just wanted to turn back in the direction I had come from and run away from it all. I didn’t have to do this. I could just escape from it all. From life. From the man that I had become. But, I didn’t. I had vowed long ago to never run again. Running had gotten me where I was today and while I was surviving, it wasn’t at all where I wanted to be.

Through the open venue door, I could hear the opening band begin their set and only then did I make my way across the street. Self consciously, I looked around to see if there was anyone hanging around that would recognize me because the last thing I wanted was a fan encounter. 

Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out the ticket that I had been holding onto and handed it over to the man at the door. He eyed me for a moment before sighing and handing it back to me.

“Zac, you know I can’t let you in,” he said, pity in his eyes and in his voice. This was a dance we had done many times.

“Thanks, Darryl. You know I always have to try. I appreciate you never being a dick about it, you know. I’m sure you think I’m kind of pathetic,” I said, pushing the ticket back into my pocket and peering up at the marquee. 

**A MANIC INFATUATION - SOLD OUT**

“You’re not pathetic. If it was my brother that wouldn’t let me talk to him, I would be the same way. You tending tonight?” he asked. 

“Yeah, and as always your first one is on me. I’ll see you after the show,” I said, giving him a fist bump before turning on my heel and heading away from the venue. 

In order to get to my destination, I had to walk by the bus that was parked on the street and I didn’t even raise my head to look up at it. It was useless. Nine years had passed since we had engaged in a conversation and I’d been buying tickets to shows I’d never get to see for the past five. Masochism kept me coming back even though I always knew the result was going to be the same. Taylor wanted nothing to do with me. And I couldn’t blame him.

Instinctively, my head turned as the bus door opened and our eyes locked at that moment. I froze as we looked at one another, but didn’t speak. His expression was blank and seeing that hurt me, so I turned to keep walking. 

“Zac?” he called out, the apprehension obvious in his voice.

Hearing my name on his lips made me turn around and once again his gaze was locked on me. Forcing a smile, I shoved my hands into my pockets and started to walk backwards, away from him. “Have a good show, Tay,” I said honestly before turning the corner and not looking back. He wouldn’t follow me. He never had. He never would. 

Don’t run. Don’t let him see you upset. Don’t run. Walk. Keep walking.

There was a constant monologue going in my head to stop me from turning around and throwing myself at him, demanding that he give me the time of day. Apologizing for everything again and again. It would be for naught. He would have security on me in an instant. I know from experience. An experience I never want to repeat. 

It was only a few blocks to get to Menagerie and I welcomed the familiar smell of stale beer as I pushed the door open and walked inside to be immediately greeted by an exasperated sigh of my name.

“You know that I can’t bartend,” Kate said, removing the apron that she had wrapped around her body to protect her clothes and throwing it at me. “Please don’t tell me that you were where I think you were.”

“Then don’t ask,” I said, unapologetically. 

Pushing through the door to the manager’s office, I took the stairs up to the apartment above the bar. Tossing my keys onto the table, I shrugged off my jacket and let it drop onto the couch before moving into my design studio. There, I removed the ticket from my back pocket and pinned it to a bulletin board holding dozens of similar, untorn and unused tickets. 

Her arms wrapped around me from behind and I felt her cheek rest in the space between my shoulder blades. “I don’t understand why you do this to yourself. You are such a masochist and you constantly put yourself in the position for him to hurt you over and over again.” 

Placing my hands on top of hers, I let my shoulders slump. “I hired you to manage my business, Kate. I didn’t hire you to be my therapist. I’ve already got one of those.”

She knew better than to say anything else and just held me until I would inevitably push her away. I didn’t right away, though, because it felt good to have that closeness. She had been there for me from day one. That very first night that we met when I was only 15 years old. When I had fled Tulsa, it was natural to find myself in Georgia and I was thankful that her parents took me in until I could find a place. 

We’d laughed together, cried together, and grown up together. Attended college side by side and graduated on the same day. When I told her that I was going to open a bar, she had been skeptical, but she hadn’t turned down the offer to become the manager. She was, hands down, my best friend and I didn’t want to think of what would have become of me if it wasn’t for her.

There wasn’t anything that I held back from her. She knew all of my secrets. The reason I had left Tulsa. Even though she didn’t condone it or understand, that hadn’t made her pull away. She loved me unconditionally. She had chosen me.

Turning in her arms, I took her face into my hands and looked her into the eyes. “I know you don’t agree with some of my choices, but thank you for always being there for me, Katie.”

There was a sadness in her gaze and she squeezed me tighter. “You know I’d be helpless to ever let you walk away from me, Zac,” she whispered. “I will be the one person that never does.”

I placed a soft kiss against her lips and let my forehead rest on hers. “Life would be so much easier if I could tell my heart what to do.”

“No one can tell their heart what to do. Besides, that would take away the beauty that comes with loving someone. Even if that love is most of the time masked by the pain,” she said. Her lips touched mine once more and she gently nudged at me. “I’ll stay here tonight, okay? You do the bartending and I will be a dutiful waitress. After we close, we will watch Game of Thrones in bed until we both pass out as the sun is coming up. Sound good?”

A smile graced my lips and I nodded because it did sound good. The show changed, but the routine did not. Every time Taylor was in town, she ended up curled up against me in my bed just in case I needed her. Sometimes, I wonder if she didn’t need me, also. 

No other words were needed because Saturday was our busiest night at Menagerie and I needed to get back downstairs to make sure everything was stocked and prepared. Before I descended the stairs, I turned to look at her, watching her stare at the tickets on the bulletin board and I wondered what she was thinking.

What was left unspoken was that if I could tell my heart what to do, I would fall in love with her in an instant. She was perfect for me, but I couldn’t make myself feel it. Instead, we remained as close as two people could be without actually being together. And, I hated myself for it. I hated myself for continuing to love him. For being unable to let go. As long as Taylor occupied my heart, no one else ever stood a chance.


	2. Love Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ["When you're ready I'm here to take you every time."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMuuc_pqx2s) \- Love Lost, Temper Trap

Menagerie was a full-time job for me, but it was a labor of love. When the band had fallen apart, following everything that happened with Taylor, I hadn’t wanted anything to do with music. I couldn’t remember the last time I had picked up a pair of sticks and singing only happened when I was sure I was alone these days. Kate had suggested having a karaoke night once a month to pull people in during the week, but I’d steadfastly refused. The last thing I wanted was someone to try and get me on stage for one song or even worse, try to sing a Hanson song.

Buying the place had been a risk, but one I was willing to take. I’d invested my money after the band split up and once college was finished, I knew I needed something to do with my life. I had majored in graphic design and did freelance work here and there, but it wasn’t enough to actually make a living. So, when a college friend said that his parents were selling their bar, I jumped at the chance. At first, things had been slow going. Opening a new business was never an easy feat, but I had been determined. With Kate’s business acumen and my people skills, we’d managed to make it work. Living right there above the bar also helped in that I didn’t have to waste gas traveling to work or spend money on rent. 

Our clientele was a younger crowd and we benefitted from having a live music venue just a block and a half away. Often times on the weekends, after shows let out, the bar was packed with people that didn’t want their night to end. They brought the atmosphere of an amazing concert in with them and those nights were my favorite. It gave me that feeling of being at a live show again without having to perform. The elated faces, people singing along, and everyone having a good time. It fed that part of me and I always made sure to keep track of who was playing so that I could have the jukebox cued up and draw the concert goers in as they were leaving the show. We offered drink specials to anyone with a wristband from the show and I had to admit that business was good.

Last night had not been an exception. After Taylor’s band finished their set, the crowd filtered down and the bar had ended up teeming with people high off of his performance. At one point, a ripple of excitement went through the crowd as his fellow bandmates came in for a drink, but Taylor was not one of them. It was clear when I served them that they didn’t recognize me and it was better that way. Part of me wondered what excuse he had given them for not coming along, but I couldn’t dwell on it because having celebrities in the midst meant that we had gone through more alcohol in one night than we did for most of the week. Kate and I had both struggled to keep up with the crowd, but we ended the night with a serious amount of tips and when we fell into bed, watching television had been forgotten as we both immediately drifted off to sleep.

The downside of having a busy night was that the next day, a lot of work needed to be done. The floors needed to be mopped, the bar scrubbed, glasses checked to make sure they were properly cleaned and the coolers stocked. I was currently trying to figure out what needed to be brought up from storage to replenish for that night’s crowd as a way of avoiding doing the cleaning. I hated doing the cleaning and I hoped that Sabrina would show up soon so that I could make her do it. After all, I was the owner.

Kate slammed the phone down in the office so loudly that I could hear it from my position squatting behind the bar and taking inventory. Not surprisingly, her voice came from right behind me moments later.

“Sabrina just called off again. I fired her. I know that I’m supposed to check with you first, but I lost my temper,” she said, though there was no hint of an apology for not checking with me first in her voice.

Waving her off, I nodded. “We knew this was coming and it is okay. She’s never here and I’m not going to pay someone that I cannot rely on. I’ve got a couple of people coming in to interview today like we had talked about. You’re going to be here, right?”

She was quiet and when I turned to look at her, she was biting her lower lip. “Well, I actually, forgot… I … I have a date. I’m sorry, I completely forgot about the interviews. I was… last night was crazy.”

An eyebrow raised and I couldn’t stop smirking. “Well, well. Katie has a date. Is it that guy I saw trying to follow you around like a puppy dog last night?” 

“Yes, actually, it is. I told him that I would get an early dinner with him. I’m really not expecting anything at all, but he’s cute, and we both know that I could use spending some time with someone that wasn’t you. I swear all of your bad habits are rubbing off on me.”

I threw the towel that I had used to mop up a spill earlier and hit her right in the face with it, causing a sound of disgust. “You do need to spend some time with someone that isn’t me. I was starting to worry that you were falling in love with me or something.”

“Uh, no, not a chance, Hanson. Get over yourself,” she scoffed. 

“I can handle the interviews on my own. I won’t hire anyone, though, until you can do your background check thing and all of that jazz. If I like someone, I will get all of their info and have them come back Monday,” I said, standing up fully then with my list of what I needed to bring up from the basement storage for complete restocking.

“You’re the best, Zac,” she teased and threw her arms around my neck, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

“Only because I pay you to say that,” I shot back. “Call Justin and see if he is willing to come in and cover for Sabrina. He mentioned something to me a couple of weeks ago about wanting some more hours because he was hard up for cash. I’m sure he won’t mind. I’d do it, but I need a night off.”

She looked at me with concern and spoke softly, “Are you still upset about last night? I know that when he’s in town it is really rough on you. When I saw those guys come in, I thought for sure he would be with them.”

“I actually saw him last night, you know. As I was walking away from the venue, he came out of the bus,” I confessed. “He definitely saw me because he said my name, but that was it. I had to stop myself from running away.”

Her hands slid to rub against my arms affectionately and she nodded her head. “I will make sure that someone covers tonight and I want you to just relax. Order in a pizza, have some beer, and play your video games.”

I laughed because that was exactly what I had planned to do anyway. She knew me so well and I looked at her wistfully, once again wishing that I could just make myself feel something more. If she noticed the look in my eyes, she didn’t react and instead just gave my ponytail a tug before moving to the office to make her phone calls. With a sigh, I took my list and went down to the basement to start bringing things up so that they could cool down before we opened for the night.

After Kate left, I finished all of the cleaning and stocking on my own. Justin was going to come in when we opened, but he had a test he needed to study for and I understood the rigors of college, so I didn’t ask him to come in any earlier than he needed to. That meant that I was on my own getting the bar ready. I had hooked my laptop up to the sound system in the bar as I sometimes did when we had private parties come in and was lightly singing to myself when I heard my phone ring. 

From across the bar, I could see the screen light up and as I moved closer, my heart stopped. The name flashing on the screen was familiar, but one I had not seen in a very long time. Taylor Hanson. Lunging for the phone, I answered it breathlessly.

“Hello? Tay? Taylor, are you there?” I was met only with silence and then the line went dead. Immediately, I tried calling him back, but the number only went to voicemail. Hearing his voice ring through telling me that he couldn’t answer and please leave a message made my heart ache. “Tay, I… I don’t know if you meant to call me or not, but I … I miss you. And I love you. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” A male voice came from behind me and I nearly dropped the phone, gasping out and spinning immediately. The guy attached to the voice looked at me sheepishly and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just walked in…”

My heart started to slow down when it didn’t seem that he had heard me on the phone. Having someone overhear me telling Taylor that I loved and missed him probably wasn’t the end of the world considering he was my brother, but I never want to take any chances. Clearing my throat, I shook my head. “No, no, you didn’t interrupt. Are you...Wyatt?”

“The one and only,” he said, flashing me a gorgeous smile as he extended his hand. “Wyatt Davis. Zac, I presume?”

“The one and only,” I echoed with a laugh. “Have a seat. Can I get you anything to drink? You’re a bit early so I am slightly unprepared. Had a busy night last night and had someone call in.” My phone flashed again and my heart once again began to beat irregularly as I glanced at it.

“Just some Coke, please. I don’t think asking for a beer or rum would go over real well at an interview would it?” he laughed and I felt at ease in spite of wanting to run off immediately and look at my phone. 

“Well, we do have rules about that sort of thing, but I will go over that here in a few minutes. I have to get my checklist or Kate… she’s the bar manager… would kill me for not being thorough,” I joked back. I got him his drink and slid it across the bar before motioning to the office. “I’ll be right back.”

He tipped his head to me and took a drink, glancing around and since he didn’t seem to mind waiting, I ducked into the office for some privacy. Immediately, I pulled my phone out and saw that it had been a text message. And it was from Taylor.

_Don’t. Please._

_I frowned and sat down at Kate’s desk to reply to him against my better judgment._

_Dont what?_

_Tell me u miss me._

_But I do._

_I can’t._

_Cant what? Tay pls. I just want to talk. Im SORRY._

Nothing. I waited as long as I dared with Wyatt sitting at the bar waiting for his interview, but he didn’t respond back. I called him once and it went straight to voicemail and this time I didn’t leave one just so that I could focus, I left the phone sitting on Kate’s desk and grabbed for the checklist she liked me to use out of her neatly organized folders. Moving back to the bar, I gave Wyatt a smile and came to sit next to him.

“Are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost,” he asked, concerned, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s just been a rough couple of days,” I said, clearing my throat. I wasn’t okay, but I was professional and we really needed to hire a bartender so I pushed thoughts of Taylor out of my mind and started in on Kate’s checklist. 

Wyatt flew through the interview with flying colors and I was surprised that at the end of it, I felt extremely comfortable with him. He had a way of disarming me and putting me at ease that should have been uncomfortable, but it wasn’t.

“Final thing is that you aren’t allowed to drink while on shift. Nor are you allowed to solicit drinks. Customers will sometimes try to buy you shots as a thank you, to flirt with you, or just because they think next time you will remember and give them a freebie. We keep a vodka bottle behind the bar that is filled with water,” I explained, getting up to grab it and show him. It had a red pour spout on top to set it apart since all of the other ones were clear. 

“So, basically, I deceive the customer by taking a shot of water if they want to buy me something and I pretend it’s vodka?” he asked as I did just that, poured him a shot of the water and slid it toward him. 

“Basically. However, you still charge them and that money is yours to keep as a tip. As long as you are discreet about it. The customer can’t see you slipping their cash into your pocket,” I explained. 

He nodded his head and took the shot glass full of water and tipped it back, making a face as though it was real vodka and slamming the glass down on the bar. “How’d I do, boss?”

I laughed and shook my head at him. “I think you’re going to do just fine. I will need you to come in tomorrow at one to talk to the bar manager and if she likes you as much as I do, there will be some paperwork to sign. But, as far as I’m concerned, you are hired. Did you drive here?” I asked curiously as I took his shot glass and then put an identical one next to it on the bar.

“No, I live just a couple of blocks away. That’s why I decided to see about getting a job here. I like the thought of being able to walk to work,” he said, watching as I took two glasses and set them out as well.

“Good, because we have a signature drink here at Menagerie. We like our bartenders to suggest it to anyone they think can handle it. Everyone is going to ask you if it _really_ tastes like it should, so I like to make sure my employees are acquainted with it.”

“So, I take it the interview is over if you’re trying to get me drunk?” he teased.

I smirked at him from the other side of the bar. “If I was trying to get you drunk, you would know it.” I filled the shot glass with ¾ of amaretto and floated it to the top with 151 proof rum. Grabbing each of the pint glasses, I filled them halfway with Bud Light and set one in front of him and kept one for me. “Now, you don’t actually light this for the customers. The liquor commission would have my ass if they knew we were serving drunks flaming alcohol, but since you’re not a customer or a drunk, you are going to get it the full Menagerie way.”

His eyes widened when I lit the shot glass on fire and nudged it toward him before doing the same to my own. I raised an eyebrow at him before I dropped my shot glass into the beer, putting out the flame and causing the liquid to rise as I brought it to my lips and downed the entire glass in one go.

“Here goes nothing,” he murmured and followed my lead, doing the same and then slamming his glass on the bar and wiping his mouth with a laugh. “Holy shit that tastes JUST like Dr. Pepper.”

Swiping the glass from in front of him, I pushed it into the sink and started to clean it and the shot glass as I watched his face. “That, Wyatt, is called a Flaming Dr. Pepper shooter. Here at Menagerie since we don’t light it we simply call it the DP. I would recommend doing too many because you will wake up in the morning feeling like someone DPed you in every single orifice.”

His cheeks blazed bright red at my words and he coughed a little bit, glancing at his phone as it lit up and nodding his head at me. “I believe you, wow. That packs a punch.” He held his phone up and pointed at it. “I really should take this. But I will be back tomorrow. Thanks for the drink and for the interview.”

I nodded back and glanced up as Justin strolled in then with his school work and walked toward the bar. “You’re early.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t leave you hanging. I mean, I know Manic played in town last night and I didn’t want you to have to pick up the slack after a night like that. If you don’t mind, I’ll just finish cleaning up and then study a bit while on shift?”

Wyatt’s eyes met mine as he stood up, the phone against his ear and I saw something there that I couldn’t place as he glanced at Justin and then gave a wave as he headed for the door. I gave him a wave in return and watched him walk out. “Yeah, that’s fine. Just make sure that you don’t leave anyone hanging for too long, but it should be a fairly quiet night. I will be upstairs if you need anything and thanks for covering.”

Justin had worked for me for a very long time and he had been witness to my drunk binges on nights when Taylor’s band was in town. He didn’t know what had happened between us to leave us estranged, but he was smart enough to pick up on the fact that not having Taylor in my life tore me apart. I was very thankful to have a friend like him that was willing to pick up the slack when I needed it. And after the brief exchange with Taylor, I needed it.

Grabbing the paperwork from Wyatt’s interview, I moved to the office and set it on the desk. Picking up my phone, I sighed when I saw that I didn’t have any new messages. Against my better judgment, I pulled up Taylor’s last message and sent one final one before going upstairs.

_I still love you, Taylor._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Character Guide and Soundtrack](https://manicfics.tumblr.com/post/176277255853/crack-the-shutters-character-guide-and-soundtrack)


	3. Eyes on Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ["One more word and you won't survive."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnRe8Q5r6rE) \- Eyes on Fire, Blue Foundation

Three weeks had passed since I had last heard from Taylor. After my text message telling him that I loved him, I hadn’t heard anything back. I had managed to reel myself in and not try to call him anymore. Pushing him wasn’t something that I wanted to do at all. If he was going to come back into my life, it was going to have to be because he wanted to, not because I was forcing him to.   
I’d already done enough of that, and I hated myself every day for it still. I should have been thankful that I’d stopped myself from forcing him further than I did, but in my mind, I might as well have for where I ended up in the end.   
But, there wasn’t anything that I could do other than keep putting one foot in front of the other. And right now, that meant training Wyatt as our newest bartender. He had passed all background checks and met Kate’s standards as an employee so all that was left was to keep testing him out behind the bar. I was thankful that he had walked in that day because the second person had never shown up for their interview and we really needed someone.

“Saturday is one of our busiest nights,” I explained as I tapped a new keg of Miller Lite in the storage room. We kept the kegs down below with lines running up to the main floor so that they didn’t have to be hauled up and down the stairs on a busy night. “It’s also the most lucrative if you know what you are doing.”

“So you finally trust me enough to be throwing me to the wolves,” he chuckled and leaned down beside me to hook up the second keg to show that he had picked up on what I was doing as I supervised him. 

“You have been doing well so far and if you can successfully navigate a Saturday night, you are ready to go it alone—which means finally not having to share all of your shifts with me."

Once the keg was hooked up, he straightened up and smiled at me. “Well, that hasn't been that bad. You are easy to get along with. What next?”

“As long as you don’t fuck up, I’m easy as pie,” I said, motioning upstairs. “Go check to see if they were tapped right and make sure they aren’t drawing too much head.”

“Easy? Tapped? Head? This job just gets better and better doesn't it?" he teased, glancing over his shoulder at me.

I gave him a good shove and shook my head. “Flirting with me isn’t going to get you a raise, but really, nice try.”   
Following him upstairs, I watched as he pulled a couple of beers to make sure that the lines weren’t too full of air and gave him a once over. He was well built with dark hair, broad shoulders, and biceps that any guy would long to have. We had easily developed a repertoire of flirting with one another when in close proximity.   
It felt almost as though he knew me.   
When he looked at me I was well aware if his piercing blue eyes and for a moment, I couldn't do anything but stare. 

“Earth to Zac,” he said, waving his hands in front of my face and I blinked to come back to the present.

“Sorry, you just remind me of someone and I got lost in some memories,” I explained, moving to get the opening checklist that Kate insisted all bartenders fill out for inventory at the beginning of the shift so we could make sure nothing was walking out the door free. 

“Good or bad?”

“Better left unsaid.”

“Ex-girlfriend? Ex-boyfriend?”

My eyes met his and I know my gaze hardened a little bit. “I’m not discussing my love life with you. Those skeletons are staying firmly in the closet.” When I realized I had mentioned being in the closet I groaned and waved the paper in front of his face. “Work. That’s what you are here for.”

Wyatt didn’t push the issue and together we made it through the checklist easily. We had some time to burn and he started telling me about his family. 

"I only have one sister and she's five years younger than me, but she is considered the golden child. Married. A couple of kids. House in the 'burbs. All of those things parents want for their children," he explained, taking a drink of soda. "Being a bartender and renting a loft apartment in downtown Atlanta at 32 is not on that list."

"Well, your parents have to treat you better than mine does me. I don't exist in my family any longer. Haven't seen any of them in years," I said sadly. "But that's not a story or a situation that I like to talk about. Do you want the kind of life your sister has?"

"Maybe someday. It would be nice to have kids. Be a dad and all that. Leave something behind. What about you? Looking to make some little Zacs someday?"

Memories of holding Adrianne for the first time began to flood my brain and the knowledge that she was ten years old and I hadn’t seen her since she was a baby made me nauseated. I missed her just as much as I missed Taylor, but I knew that if I saw her today, she wouldn’t know who I was. We would be strangers.

It took me a few minutes to realize that Wyatt had stopped talking and instead was just staring at me. I blinked and cleared my throat, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be rude. I … just go around and turn on all of the signs and get the jukebox going. We open in ten. I’m going to go put these inventory numbers into the computer.”

I disappeared into the office and closed the door behind me so that I could be alone. My head dropped into my hands and I felt the tears begin to prickle at my eyes and I willed them to go away. I had a job to do and I couldn’t sit here and feel sorry for myself all night. Not when it was a Saturday night and I wasn't sure if I could leave Wyatt behind the bar alone. Still, that didn’t stop me from opening Google on the computer and typing in _Taylor and Adrianne Hanson_. Instantly, the image search lit up with photos of them together and I swallowed back the bile as I clicked to make them all load.   
She looked so grown up and was beautiful. Her long blonde hair shone as much as his did and she looked like such a little Hanson. Not unlike I did as a child with a mischievous grin. As an only child, these pictures made it very clear that she was a daddy’s girl. In any shot with the two of them and Natalie, Adri was firmly clinging to her father. He held her in many of them, in spite of her gangly legs getting in the way. She was going to take after him in height with legs like those. 

Pictures further revealed her holding hands with Isaac’s sons and sadness overcame me again. My brother was married and had two kids now and I had never met any of them. Not his wife, nor the children. The same with Jessica. I knew Joe from childhood, but they were now expecting their first child and that was another wedding I hadn’t been invited to along the way. In all of the photos, they looked so happy. Like nothing was missing. They were fine without me. They didn’t need me anymore.   
Not after what Natalie had done. What she had told them. They had all effectively written me out of their lives and never looked back.

I was staring at the computer and trying to blink away the tears when the door opened and Wyatt stuck his head in. “Hey, Zac, it’s time to open. Do you want me to unlock the doors?” I saw his eyes go to the computer screen and I immediately reached to turn the monitor off and nodded my head.

“Yes, go ahead. I will be out in a few minutes. I just need to run to the bathroom,” I said, trying to make my voice sound strong. 

Splashing cold water on my face had helped and I had managed to compose myself without too much time going by. When I walked into the bar once more, Wyatt hurried to end the phone call he was on and shoved his phone into his pocket. 

“Sorry, I don’t know what your phone policy is. My best friend called and I don’t like ignoring his calls,” he explained.

I offered him a smile and put both hands on his shoulders. “My best friend never ignores my calls either. Just don’t let it get in the way of your job and I don’t mind at all.”

He seemed to be a bit more at ease when he realized that he wasn’t in trouble. It didn’t take long at all for the crowd to start to filter in. We were lucky to have a set of regulars that made their way every Saturday to sit in the corner and play cards until the place got too busy to hold down anything serious. 

With Wyatt holding down the fort effectively, I pulled myself up to sit on the back bar and fished my phone out of my pocket while keeping an eye on him. Opening my text messages, I once again found myself staring at the ones from Taylor and trying to figure out why he had contacted me in the first place. What he couldn’t do. 

“Quit looking at those messages,” Kate hissed, standing in front of me with her arms crossed. I hadn’t even realized that she had shown up until that moment. “I will delete them, Zachary Walker, don’t think I won’t.”

My eyes met hers and I set my phone down. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking about him and…”

“Adrianne? I saw the computer screen when I went into the office. Why do you do this to yourself and why do I feel like this a conversation that we have all too often?”

My shoulders shrugged and I wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “Wyatt was talking about his family and I just… I had to see. You know I’ve been good at not looking her up, but she could be my daughter, Kate. I can’t just wipe her out of my memory. I have to know that she is okay.”

“Of course she is okay. Natalie is a lot of things, but she loves that little girl and so does Taylor. Neither of them would ever let anything happen to her,” she explained. Taking my hands, she pulled me off the bar and started to drag me from where I had been sitting. “Now, come on. I have someone that I want you to meet.”

* * * * *

Pushing up against the bar, I got Wyatt’s attention and spoke over the crowd. “Are you doing okay? Sorry that I kind of abandoned you. Kate wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and he wanted me to meet his sister,” I said, rolling my eyes. “She’s really laying it on thick.”

A dark look passed over Wyatt’s eyes and it was so instant that I wasn’t even sure that I saw it properly. “I hate being set up with people. It is always so awkward. I’m doing okay back here. Mostly just beer and easy mixed drinks. Nothing major.”

I nodded and gave him a smile. “Okay, well I need a vodka cran, UV Blue and Sprite, a Heineken, a draft Bud Light and three shots of Grey Goose.” 

He saluted me which just made me chuckle more and went about making the drinks as I watched with a careful eye. It was obvious that he had been behind a bar before and his experience was one of the main reasons that we had hired him. “Do you need a tray?” he asked as he set everything in front of me. 

Shaking my head, I grabbed the shots of vodka one by one and threw them back, letting it burn down my throat. “Nope,” I smacked my lips. Grabbing the other four drinks easily, I retreated back to the table where we were set up and dropped down into the chair, passing them out. I knew the risks that came along with mixing vodka and beer, but I tipped the Heineken back against my lips anyway. 

Stephanie, my _date_ for the night, placed her hand on my thigh once I was settled and that only made me want to drink more, the bottle immediately going back to my lips. I kicked Kate under the table to tear her attention away from her new man, Jack, and gave her a look. She merely smiled at me and went back to her conversation.

“So, you own this place?” Stephanie asked as her hand moved further up my leg. I had the sneaking suspicion that she didn’t hold her alcohol very well because her words were slightly slurred. 

“Yes, and Kate helps me to manage it. It’s not much, but I’m proud of it,” I said, putting my hand on top of hers to push it down away from my crotch and to try and give her the hint. 

“Why did you stop doing music?” she asked suddenly and I tensed. My eyes scrutinized her and she smiled at me. “I was such a fan back in the day. It’s a shame that only Taylor makes music now. You should go on tour with him someday. A reunion tour.” 

I knew that I was speaking between my teeth, but I didn’t care. “We have no interest in reuniting as a band. I’m happy where I am and I’ve left the music behind,” I lied. Picking up my phone, I shot an angry text off to Kate because her phone was laying right there.

_She’s a fucking Hanson fan. I’m going to kill you._

In the time that it had taken me to send the text, Stephanie’s hand had drifted up higher again and I sighed, shoving it back down. “It’s a shame. You were really good at it,” she purred.

“Thanks. I need to go to the bathroom, please excuse me,” I said, standing up abruptly. 

I pushed through the crowd of people and was glad to find the men’s restroom was abandoned. Splashing water on my face, I leaned against the wall and tried to think of a way to get out of the situation. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out, ready to lash into Kate some more, but it wasn’t her name that I saw on the screen. It was Taylor’s.

_I miss u too._

Instantly, I was light headed and I was glad that I was standing against the wall so that I didn’t fall over. My hands were shaking as I typed back a response.

_Pls talk to me._

_Not a good idea. Complicated._

_Pls Tay. I cant keep living like this._

_Neither can I._

_So talk to me._

_Give me time._

_Ive given u NINE YEARS._

I closed my eyes as I waited for him to respond and when my phone buzzed again, this time it was Kate.

_I’m sorry. I had no idea. Help Wyatt. I’ll make up an excuse._

It became clear that Taylor had no intention of responding to me again so I shoved my phone back into my pocket and pushed my way back into the bar. Heading for the counter, I slipped behind it and immediately poured myself another shot before grabbing a Heineken. 

Wyatt came up beside me and placed his hand on my arm. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Nope,” I echoed from earlier and shot back the vodka, chasing it with the beer. I walked backward then and pulled myself up onto the back counter where I had started the night sitting. “Not your concern. Do your job.”

* * * * *

As the night drew to a close, I could barely even stand on my own. Kate had managed to get Jack and Stephanie out of the bar, shooting me an apologetic look as she left. I merely tipped the bottle of vodka in my hand in her direction and took another drink. 

All night, Wyatt kept an eye on me. At one point, I overheard him shouting into his phone and knew that he was having problems of his own and yet, he still kept coming over to me to try and get me to drink some water. Eventually, I accepted, but only because I wasn’t sure I could make it up the stairs to my apartment. I had checked my phone so many times that the battery was nearly dead, but that didn’t stop me from continually lighting up the screen to make sure I hadn’t missed anything.

The water felt good going down my throat and I barely registered Wyatt closing the bar down and turning off most of the lights. The darkness made it easy to see when my phone lit up and I looked down at it with blurry eyes.

_Stop ignoring me. I said I was sorry. Please._

I frowned at the message and double checked to make sure that it was from Taylor and indeed it was. 

_Wut? Idont now wat u mean? Im notignrogin you._

“Wyatt, what does this mean?” I asked, shoving the phone in his face so that he could read the message. He gently took it from my hand and set it down on the bar before helping me down off of it and steadying me.

“Is that from your brother? Taylor, right?” he asked, sliding his arm around my waist and leaving my phone there as he lead me toward the stairs of my apartment.

“Yes, but I’m not ignoring him. He’s ignoring me,” I slurred out, taking the stairs one at a time with his help. “He always ignores me.”

“Maybe he meant it for someone else. Have you talked to him recently?” he asked, as he focused on getting me upstairs without either of us tumbling down and breaking a neck. Once we were in the apartment, he shut the door behind us. “Bathroom?”

“Yes, he told me he missed me.” I pointed and didn’t argue when he lead me toward it and the light was so bright that I winced. “Too bright.”

“It probably wasn’t for you, then. I text the wrong people all the time. So if you ever get anything weird from me, that’s the case.” He left me leaning against the wall as he turned on the light in the hallway and turned off the bathroom light to help with the brightness. Once again, there was no argument from me as he tugged my shirt off over my head and tossed it to the floor. “Come on, get your jeans off too.”

“Are you trying to seduce me?” I asked, fumbling with the button of my jeans and giving up when nothing seemed to work right. 

“No, I’m trying to make sure that you don’t die from alcohol poisoning. You’d know if I was trying to seduce you and you wouldn’t be drunk while it was happening,” he responded. His hands easily undid my jeans and I held onto his shoulders as he slipped them down my legs before he tugged my shoes and socks off as well, leaving everything in a heap on the floor. “You would hate me for this in the morning if you were going to remember any of it.”

"I think I might like it if you tried to seduce me sometime," I said, thinking out loud. Pushing me down onto the floor, he lifted the toilet seat up and leaned me over it. “I don’t have to throw up,” I groaned. “I’m fine."

“You are anything but fine. Now open your mouth,” he said. His words angered me and when I opened my mouth to tell him as much he pushed his fingers down my throat and triggered my gag reflex. Instantly, I began to empty my stomach into the toilet. 

When I had nothing left to offer to the porcelain god, Wyatt flushed the toilet and used a wet washcloth to clean up my face for me. He was being so gentle and I curled into him, whimpering like a little boy. He offered me a cold glass of water that he must have gone to get while I was getting sick and I drank it down eagerly. Next was two ibuprofen that I swallowed without arguing and he was pulling me to my feet.

“Bedroom?” he asked and I pointed him in the right direction.

“Don’t leave me here alone," I whimpered.

“I’m not going to. Someone has to make sure you don’t die in the middle of the night. You’re so stupid, Zac. You should have stopped drinking a long time ago. Drinking doesn't solve your problems. It just makes you forget for a night. You can't forget forever,” he chastised. 

I opened my mouth to tell him that he didn’t know me, but I knew that he was right. Once we got to the bedroom, he pulled the blankets back and helped me to get settled in. He placed the garbage can right beside the bed in case I needed it and kissed my forehead before sighing and leaving me there. When he left the room, I could hear him talking to someone and before I could even wonder who it was, I passed out into a deep, restless sleep.


	4. Live While I Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [“I am chasing a ghost. A feeling that’s haunted me for years. Every time I get close it’s gone.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJgzqX9ViZE) \- Live While I Breathe, The Moth and the Flame

Before I even opened my eyes, I was greeted with the smell of bacon wafting in from my kitchen. Even as the scent was enticing me to get out of bed, the lead weight that was my head was holding me firmly in place. I whimpered like a small child and forced my eyes open to see a glass of water and ibuprofen sitting beside the bed. Though it took effort, I managed to grab both and swallow down the pills obediently. Try as I might, I couldn't remember anything after Taylor telling me he missed me, but the brutal hangover was a reminder that it could not have been good at all.

Eventually, I forced my way out of bed, stopping in the bathroom to relieve the ache in my bladder and to brush the nasty taste out of my mouth. I had definitely gotten sick and I hoped it had been contained to the bathroom because I did not want to spend the day scrubbing carpets. Kate always took care of me when I drank myself into a blackout, but she refused to clean up any messes I had made. Those were my penance in her eyes—as though feeling close to death wasn't bad enough. Once my mouth was minty fresh, I headed for the kitchen in search of the bacon smell as greasy food with a hangover always sounded perfect to me.

"God, Katie, I'm sorry. Taylor started texting me again last night and I--" I stopped immediately when I stepped fully into the kitchen and the person standing at the stove was definitely not Kate.

"Wrong person, but I will accept your apology anyway," Wyatt said, shooting me a smile over his bare shoulder before spooning a portion of scrambled eggs onto a plate. "Sit. You should eat."

His back was to me and the fact that he was only wearing boxers, much like I was, gave me a good view of his body. Part of his back was covered in an elaborate winged tattoo that I immediately longed to reach out and touch. I also wanted to grab a marker and add to the design so that it curled up around the muscles in his shoulders more. When he turned, my eyes couldn't help but be drawn to the light chest hair between his pecs and the dark trail that crawled down his stomach and disappeared into his boxers.   
Seeing how well defined he was simultaneously made an ache appear in my stomach and caused my confidence to plummet all the same. My arms and shoulders were well defined, but my stomach was more of a soft pillow than a chiseled sculpture. Before I could make any other comparisons between us, he cleared his throat and brought my eyes back up to his face.

"I was expecting Kate, not a half-naked man holding a plate of bacon and eggs," I stated, as though that was going to fully explain away the way that I had been staring.

“From the way you are looking at me, I’m going to take it that you definitely aren’t upset that it isn’t Kate standing here in her underwear instead,” he teased, nudging me to sit down as he put the plate in front of me with more water. “Eat, Zachary.”

The authority in his voice made me feel less like his boss and more like the 27-year-old that I was and I bowed my head a little bit before I started to eat. I had to admit that among other things, Wyatt was a good cook and the food was delicious. He sat down to join me and we ate in silence, the scrape of silverware against the plates the only sound between us. Every time I looked at him, his eyes were on me though, causing me to blush.

Wiping at my mouth, I cleared my throat before speaking. “So, we didn’t… um…” I said, my cheeks bright red and the words not forming properly in my mouth.

“We didn’t what, Zac?” he asked, the look in his eyes revealing that he clearly wanted me to say it.

“I mean, we… uh, did you…”

“If you’re asking me if you told me that you’d like it if I seduced you and then promptly threw up on my hand, the answer is yes. If you are asking me if we slept together, the answer is no,” he said, pointing toward the couch with his fork where a pillow and blanket laid crumpled up.

My eyes widened when he told me what I had done and I put my hand over my mouth in horror that I had not only told him I wanted to be seduced but then threw up on him. “Oh my fucking god, I am so sorry,” I mumbled against my skin.

Wyatt merely bit into a piece of bacon and smirked at me while he chewed; shrugging his shoulders and obviously not upset about what had happened the night before. I was, at least, thankful that we hadn’t slept together because I wasn’t in the habit of fucking people when I was too far gone to remember it.   
I really wasn’t in the habit of fucking people at all lately.   
It had been a few months since I had last dated someone and even that hadn’t lasted long at all. Prior to that, I had turned into a bit of a whore, just wanting to feel the cliché of being wanted for a night, but that had just left me feeling more empty than I was now so I had stopped it. A few girlfriends followed, but other than that, my hand was what I had to get the job done. 

I was poised to apologize yet again when the door opened behind me and Kate came barreling in, pausing immediately when she saw Wyatt sitting at the table in his underwear.

“I… oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I thought… well, um, Zac, I will call you later,” she stammered out, clearly embarrassed and turning to leave.

“There is plenty of food, Kate. Come in. I can put some clothes on if it makes you uncomfortable,” Wyatt offered. 

Eyeing me, she stepped further into the room and shut the door behind her and I shrugged my shoulders. “He was here when I woke up. I apparently threw up on him last night and he still cooked me breakfast. You could learn a thing or two.” 

Kate rolled her eyes and threw her purse down on the floor. “If he puked on the floor, I hope that you left it for him to clean up. Asshole never learns when to stop.”   
She moved to the table and tilted my head back so that she could plant a kiss on my lips before moving to get a plate of food, her stomach winning out over the awkwardness of the situation.

“No, not on the floor, just on me. I would have cleaned it up if he did though. Making him do it himself is cruel!” Wyatt said, though there was laughter in his voice.

“He’s a masochist, I’m a sadist. It’s why our friendship works,” she commented as she sat down. Wyatt looked at her a little bit in awe at the casualness of admitting something like that and I just shook my head at him. 

“I feel so fucking loved right now, you have no idea,” I said, throwing some eggs at her and sighing. “Do I even want to ask you two what happened last night other than me throwing up on Wyatt and not having sex?” I stressed that last part to keep Kate’s mind from wandering as I finished my breakfast.

“Well, after you figured out that Jack’s sister was a Hanson fan you started slamming them back,” Kate explained. “But, I left before we closed so I can’t fill you in beside that. Other than you were reading text messages you shouldn’t.” 

Wyatt took a big drink of water before pointing his fork at me. “You were blubbering on about your brother, but by that time I could barely understand a word you were saying other than…”

“Do not repeat that,” I hissed suddenly and made like I was going to also throw eggs at him before sighing. 

Kate looked back and forth between us and raised an eyebrow in my direction. A sigh fell from her lips and she pushed the eggs around on her plate. “You know, Zac, I think you need some time away from this place. You haven’t gone anywhere since you bought this bar and I think that you are getting a little stir crazy. Or just crazy in general.”

“I’ve been places since I bought Menagerie,” I immediately argued.

“Where?” she challenged.

“I went to Newnan with you for Easter,” I stated.

Kate rolled her eyes and Wyatt snickered a little bit. “Newnan does not count as going somewhere, Zac. Even I know that,” he pointed out.

“Since when do the two of you gang up on me?” I asked, frowning because Kate was bad enough sometimes and I really did not need Wyatt joining forces with her. I could handle her, but having two people at me all the time would not be beneficial to my mental state. Especially not with Taylor randomly inserting himself back into my life when he saw fit. 

“I’m not trying to gang up on you. I just think you need a change of scenery. We can talk about it more later,” she said, obviously not wanting to delve into too much detail with Wyatt right there. He seemed to get the hint and smiled at her as he stood up to clean off his plate and unashamed, picked up his jeans to slip them on as we were sitting right there. 

“I actually need to get home,” he said. “Your couch… not the most comfortable thing and I could really use a shower.”

I nodded my head and stood up from the table, still a little self-conscious about being in my boxers around him. “I will walk you down,” I said, causing Kate to raise an eyebrow at me. I shot her a look before following the fully dressed Wyatt out and down the stairs to the bar.

“You don’t have to walk me out. I know I haven’t worked here long, but I do know my way around,” he said with a smile, pausing at the door to the outside. 

I ran my hand over my arm and smiled back at him. “I just wanted to say thank you for taking care of me last night. It really wasn’t the ideal situation and I feel shitty for putting you in it,” I said honestly. “But, thank you. For taking care of me. For breakfast. For all of it.”

“You don’t have to thank me any more than you needed to walk me out,” he said genuinely. “But, for the record, I agree with Kate. I don’t know you that well, but I do think you need to get out.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I looked around and then met his eyes again. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I will think about it. This place… well, it’s all I know anymore and I don’t know if I could even function away from it. But honestly, that’s not a conversation to have when I am nearly naked and you watched me puke less than 24 hours ago.”

He laughed and took a step closer to me, pressing his lips against my cheek and then against my ear. “You’re a good guy, Zac. Just a little troubled from what I can tell. You intrigue me though and I want to get to know you better so don’t go drinking yourself into a coma or anything, okay?”

My cheeks burned from the kisses and I merely nodded my head. “I won’t, I promise. Thanks, Wyatt. I will see you in a couple of days.”

“Get some more rest, Zac. You need it.”

He slipped out the door and I locked it behind him before moving to go back upstairs. My phone caught my eye on the end of the bar and I picked it up, finding that it was dead. Carrying it with me, I intended to plug it in so that I could see exactly what I sent last night during the time that I couldn’t remember. 

“So, what’s going on with you and Wyatt?” Kate asked as she heard the door open. 

“There is nothing going on with us. We are just forming a friendship. And apparently, he has a strong stomach,” I said, and then sighed. “And I also apparently told him that I would like him to seduce me.”

A grin crossed her face as she spun around from where she had been finishing up the dishes and she literally was bouncing on her toes. I shook my head and left the room as she shouted after me. “I think that would be an excellent idea. He is HOT.”

“Taylor misses me,” I said, re-entering the room with my power cord. I plugged it in and waited for it to charge enough to power on. 

“Damnit, Zac.” She let out a sigh and leaned against the counter, her voice strained when she spoke. “I really dislike it when he comes to town. You do so well for most of the year and then his tour rolls in and it’s like you fall apart. You regress back into being a teenager and I’m helpless to do a damn thing about it.”

I frowned at her as I kept looking at my phone, waiting for it to turn on. “I’m not regressing at all. I just want him back in my life. I know that we aren’t ever going to have what we used to, but I MISS him. I miss my entire family. I can’t expect you to understand because you can talk to yours whenever you want to. In case you’ve forgotten you and this bar… well, you’re all that I’ve got.”

Kate moved to stand in front of me and she placed her hands on my sides, rubbing at my bare skin as she looked at me, eye to eye. “You know that I think that what happened was wrong. What Natalie did was wrong,” she said softly.

“She told the entire family that I raped her, Kate. Called a family meeting without me and told them I raped her,” I said bitterly. “Isaac nearly ripped the hinges off the door of my hotel room as he came to tell me that he wanted nothing to do with me. Mom wouldn’t pick up my calls. They all believed her. And well, the worst part is that what I did was worse than that because it wasn’t my sister-in-law, but nearly my own goddamn brother.”

Her refusal to meet my eyes any time we talked about this gave away how uncomfortable she was with it, but still, she stood by me. “Talking to Taylor isn’t going to make them just forget what she said and it certainly won’t make her forget.”

“No, but if anyone in the family can help me fix things, it is him,” I said, determined.

“Baby, I just… I know that I don’t know exactly what you are feeling, but you need to stop dwelling on it. I don’t know if even Taylor can help you fix things. But I do know that he can ruin things for you. When you think of him, you don’t see anything else. You miss what could be right in front of you. You may never get your family back, Zac, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be alone,” she said softly. Pressing her face against my chest, I felt her wrap her arms around me tightly. 

My phone lit up then and I grabbed for it as she held me and I went directly to Taylor’s messages, reading them over again. I winced at my drunk text that I had sent him and sighed at his response.

_Sorry, that wasn’t for you. Wrong person._

Wrong person. Sometimes that’s all I felt like. The wrong person. 

Setting the phone down, I wrapped my arms back around Kate and whispered into her hair. “I want to go back to sleep. Will you stay with me, please? I don’t want to be alone.”

“Of course, Zac. You know that I would stay with you through anything.”

I winced at her words and it was impossible for me not to think of when Taylor had told me something similar. That I’d never lose him. That nothing would take him away from me. And look where that had gotten me.

“I love you, Kate.”

“I love you too, you stupid masochist.”


	6. Counting Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ["Everything that kills me makes me feel alive."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT_nvWreIhg) \- Counting Stars, One Republic

“Tay, I know that you don’t want to talk to me, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m not trying to get back what we had. I know that what we had is lost. I know that we are different now. We are grown. We are men. Too many years have passed to go back. But, I want to go forward. I want you in my life. And Adrianne too. Please, just, call me back.”

Sighing, I hung up the phone after leaving a voicemail for Taylor. Kate had been relentless in the past couple of days in her quest to get me to up and leave for a week. A few days at least. Every time she brought it up, I shrugged her off. I knew that letting go of Taylor and trying to get on even footing was something that I could do from right there at home, where I was comfortable. Well, as comfortable as I could be. I had forgotten what true comfort was actually all about at that point.

In order to get her off my back at least a little bit, I had agreed to accompany her to an art show that was going on in the city. It required getting dressed up, a lot of groaning, and her actually trying to smooth my hair down with spit. That last thing, I really hadn’t been happy about and had earned her a scowl for the last 30 minutes. 

“Who were you talking to?” she asked, coming back with two glasses of champagne and eyed me suspiciously.

“Santa Claus. I told him that I wanted a puppy for Christmas. Do you think he will get me one?” I asked, pouting at her as though that was going to help my case but it just made her return the scowl that I had been giving her for most of the night. 

“You think you’re cute, but most of the time you aren’t. You agreed to get out and be social with me tonight and I fully expect you to be your charming self,” she warned me. I held my hands up and took a drink of the champagne that she had given me, once again relenting. 

“Why isn’t your boyfriend here again?” I questioned.

“Because, you are still the most important man in my life and if I think you need something, I’m going to make sure you get it.”

I had to admit that I was excited about the actual art exhibit. I wasn’t sure why we needed to come to the cocktail hour to celebrate it before the doors were actually opened, but I had run out of arguments. Kate knew that art was something that I truly loved and enjoyed and this had been her best bet to get me away from the bar for the night. I could easily get lost in staring at a particular painting that spoke to me and I was really hoping that I was going to find something of that sort in this exhibit. It was made up of the work of local artists, which was even more appealing. I liked seeing art inspired by the area in which I had chosen as my home. Even though living in Atlanta hadn’t been ideal at first, I had truly grown to love the city and knew that it would, more than likely, be where I stayed for the rest of my life. 

Kate didn’t leave my side when the doors finally opened; her hand firmly lodged in mine as though she thought she needed to do so in order to insure that I wasn’t going to run away. If things between us had been different, it would have been considered a date, but instead it was just a wonderful time out with the woman I considered my family. 

The exhibit was the perfect mix of photography, canvas art, and sculptures. I tended to stray away from the photography aspect of it because it didn’t draw me in as much as the others. A few of the paintings made me want to run my fingers over the color and textures in an effort to absorb them in, but I had been told that sort of thing was frowned upon. Kate’s favorites were the sculptures and so we spent a fair amount of time with each one.

“I really think we should be standing over here. It looks too much like a penis from that angle,” she said, wrinkling up her nose and tugging me to the other side of a sculpture we were discussing. It had placards placed on every side of it that prevented us from figuring out what side we should be looking at, which was entirely the point.

“Maybe that’s why I like it!” I protested, but moved with her to look at it from the other angle, tilting my head and trying to figure it out. But, try as I might I was left blank and that alone made me want to keep looking until I found something. The sound of my phone ringing in my pocket broke the reverie the statue had created.

“You are supposed to have that on silent!” Kate hissed at me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered back, looking around sheepishly as I silenced the phone and quickly moved through the gallery to get outside where I could take the call.

“Hello?” I answered without a thought and when I heard his voice, I was quite sure that I could have easily burst into tears if I was that type of guy.

“Zac… hi. I hope I’m not interrupting something. I don’t have long. I have to be on stage soon, but I listened to your voicemail and I thought it deserved you actually hearing from me,” Taylor said from the tiny speaker pressed against my ear. 

“It’s really, really good to hear your voice, Tay,” I gasped out honestly. “Can we please try to have a conversation? Please. I know you are aware that I miss you and I just…”

He cut me off and I fell silent just to listen to him. “I don’t even know where to start with having a conversation, Zac. I miss you, too, but I don’t know how to fix things. Too many years have gone by and well, you’re right, we can’t go back to where we were.”

“So, let’s start over. Let’s start brand new.”

“Nothing will ever be brand new.”

“I know what I did was wrong,” I pleaded. “But I’ve never been given the chance to really apologize. I… Natalie took that away from me. We were so busy with the music and then suddenly, my entire world was pulled out from under me. I lost you. I lost Adrianne. I lost the whole family.”

“I didn’t tell her to do that,” he said softly. “She, well, she … I can’t speak for her. As for Adrianne, you’d be so proud to see her today. She’s so beautiful and well, she reminds me so much of you. I think that’s why I still miss you so much and why I’m willing to start talking. Slowly.”

It felt like there was a sob caught in my throat when he said that he was willing to start talking and I put my hand up over my mouth. Finally, it felt like something was going to start happening, like maybe I could begin to piece things together.

Before I could respond, I heard Taylor’s muffled voice on the other side of the phone and what sounded a little bit like a struggle. “Tay?” I asked, immediately concerned. 

“Zachary,” Natalie’s voice came through the phone and I immediately felt like swallowing my own tongue.

“Natalie, hi.” I dreaded hearing her voice again because I knew that her taking Taylor’s phone from him was not a good omen at all.

“Don’t call him anymore. Don’t do this. It won’t end well and I promise you that if you keep trying to contact him, I will make your life hell. Stop trying to go to shows. Just stop. I’m finished with watching him fall apart over you every time he comes to Atlanta,” she said, her voice eerily without emotion. 

“You’ve already made my life hell,” I responded through clenched teeth.

“Do not underestimate me.”

“I never have, Natalie. I never have. But, if you would just listen to me maybe we could work things out and we could…” 

“No, we cannot. Taylor is not your concern. Adrianne is especially not your concern. In any way. If you get my drift. It ends here. Right now,” she said and I swore that I could almost hear her smirking on the other end of the phone. She hung up on me then without a word, but it didn’t matter because I had nothing left to say. 

Her words were echoing in my head and I kept repeating them over and over again. They could only mean one thing and I slowly sank to sit on the curb in front of the gallery as I stared at my phone. Adrianne wasn’t mine. I wasn’t a father. And the hope that I had of fixing things with Tay was just ripped out of my hands by the woman that had pushed us together in the first place. She was poison. Kryptonite. Everything I hated about my life in one tiny, evil woman.

Kate must have been standing behind me the entire time because when I dropped my head down into my hands, she was right there to rub at my back softly and she started to coo soothing words into my ear.

“Adrianne isn’t mine,” I gasped out, tears actually starting to fall down my cheeks. I had never given up hope that someday I would hear that she was mine. But, I had never asked. Never pursued it. All because I didn’t want this moment. I didn’t want to know what this felt like. It felt like a hole had opened up in my chest. One I didn’t even know was there and I just felt empty. 

“Zac, I’m so sorry,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around me very tightly and pressing her face into my hair. “Are you sure?”

“Natalie she just… I,” I tried to explain, but instead found myself choking on my words.

For once, I felt like I was too far gone for even Kate to bring me comfort. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew that I needed to get on my feet and move. I swallowed and gently shrugged her off before standing up and wiping at my face. Pulling my keys out of my pocket, I slipped them into her hand and started to walk backward. 

“I just need to be alone right now,” I said softly, not trusting my voice. “I’m sorry.”

“Zac, just let me take you home, please,” she begged, but I shook my head. Turning on my heel, I took off and started running in the opposite direction. I had no idea where I was going, but it felt good to have the wind blowing against my face to dry my tears and my heart pumping harder to carry me away from the spot where my heart had been broken all over again.

I have no idea how long I ran, but eventually my body gave out and I dropped onto a bench outside of a McDonald’s. Panting hard, I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes to the harsh fluorescent lighting. That masochism in me made me pull out my phone once I could breathe properly again and I took a moment staring at the dark screen before I pushed to light it up and look for notifications.

_Wyatt Davis - Text Message._

My head dropped back again for a moment because it hadn’t at all been who I hoped to hear from when I looked at the phone, but at least it wasn’t Natalie kicking me in the heart more. Unlocking the phone, I went to my messages to see what Wyatt wanted.

_Call of Duty binge when you’re done being artsy fartsy?_

Part of me wanted to be alone for the rest of the night, but the rest of me knew that being alone when I lived above a bar full of alcohol was a very, very bad idea. 

_Meet me at my place in 40._

After sending the message, I stood by the curb and waited for a cab, thankfully not having to wait very long at all. When I found myself back in front of Menagerie, I realized that I didn’t have my keys, having given them to Kate and I groaned, leaning against the door and sliding down it. And that’s where I was when Wyatt found me.

“This is new,” he said, standing over me with that sexy smirk on his face.

“Kate has my keys. I… it’s a long story, but I left her there and just had to be alone for a while. Now that I’m ready to not be alone, I’m locked out,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “It’s my luck.”

He crouched down so that he was at my level and took my hands, pulling me to my feet in spite of a string of protests. “We can just go to my place. You can spend the night and hook up with Kate in the morning.”

“I don’t have any clothes or anything,” I said, as though that was a proper excuse.

“So, you’ll just have to be naked,” he shrugged and tugged me in the direction of his place. In spite of the pain in my heart, his casualness with that phrase made me smile a little bit. 

“Please tell me that you smoke weed because I really, really need to forget everything about tonight and relax.”

“We haven’t even had sex and you already want to forget it?” he said, mocking hurt and meeting my eyes. There was softness there and it was clear he knew that I was going through something and he was using humor and flirtation to try and bury it down. “The answer, though, is yes, I do smoke weed.”

I grunted as he pulled me along further and I finally started to walk on my own, his hand still holding mine firmly. Once again I felt like someone was holding on to me to stop me from running away and it was a foreign feeling when I felt like everyone else in my life was trying to run away from me. Yet, Wyatt and Kate had both made sure to keep a tight hold on me and I had to make a conscious effort not to fight against that. 

“Hey, Wyatt?” I said, finally, as I followed him up the stairs to his loft.

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to smoke your weed, but I’m not going to have sex with you.”

His laughter filled the stairwell as he turned back to look at me, shaking his head. “Come on, you freak. I will do what I can to keep my hands off you. But, I make no promises.”

“Good, I hate promises. No one ever keeps their promises.”

Wyatt didn’t prod me for more information on what I meant and instead he unlocked his door and let me in, shutting the door behind us once we were both inside and effectively shutting out the rest of the world. My eyes scanned his place as I moved inside and he moved around, turning on lights and picking up articles of clothing that were scattered about.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting any company,” he said as he moved about and I dropped down onto the couch. 

“No worries, I didn’t expect some spotless area. You are a bachelor after all. I know all about what it is like to be a man that lives alone,” I murmured. I leaned my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes, just listening to him move around and trying to forget about the words swirling around in my head. The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of him and I was making that conscious effort to really shove everything back. I didn’t want to deal with it. Not tonight. That’s what she wanted. She wanted me to fall apart and wallow. I refused to give her what she wanted. 

The couch was comfortable and I didn’t open my eyes when I felt him sink down onto it next to me. He hadn’t spoken yet, so I knew that I could just sit for a few more moments before having to actually face a conversation. From the sound of it, he was packing a bowl anyway and that’s exactly what I wanted from him. When I heard the flicking of his lighter, I finally opened my eyes to look at him, watching as he drew a hit and licking my lips. 

“Gonna share?” I asked, my voice softer than I intended. He nodded while he exhaled the smoke and passed it over to me, turning on the tv and setting everything up for gaming while I took a few hits from the bowl and let it settle into my system. Once everything was set up, he looked at me and then laughed as he glanced at the bowl.

“I thought we were going to share that,” he chuckled.

“Oh, we can share the next one,” I smirked. “I think I need it more than you do.”

He motioned for me to hand it over and I did because it was, after all, his. “We can still share while you get most of it,” he commented. Lighting up, he took another hit and then moved closer to me. I wasn’t a novice to smoking with someone else as my last girlfriend had been a total stoner and consciously I knew what he was going for so I leaned into him. With my hand on his chest, I parted my lips and placed them against his softly. When he opened his mouth and exhaled, I breathed in deeply and took in the smoke from his lungs and closed my eyes at the sensation. It wasn’t as potent that way, but it was definitely a different feeling altogether. As I exhaled, I didn’t pull away from him and it only took moments for us to press forward again and this time it was his tongue that invaded my mouth instead of the smoke. I let it happen because I was desperate to feel something, anything, other than pain. The kiss was slow and I kept hold of his shirt the entire time that we moved together. 

“You’re dangerous,” I whispered as I finally pulled back from him and licked my lips.

“Not the first time I’ve heard that,” he smirked. That moment between us was broken then as he set the bowl down and motioned toward the television. “You ready to kill some shit?”

“I am definitely ready to kill some shit. Bring it on.”

And just like that, neither one of us made another move or spoke of the kiss that had transpired. Instead, we settled on the couch in silence and lost ourselves in the world of video games until the sun was coming up outside.


End file.
